your heart just breaks, that's all. but you can't judge, or point fingers. you just have to be lucky enough to find someone else who appreciates you.

so many DISTRACTIONS

finals are next week and i have three in two consecutive days which is not SO bad compared to what i could have had.. thank goodness some of my teachers assigned papers and in classes instead of m.c. tests :].. so im supposed to be studying for history, calc and socio exams BUT it seems like everything is so distracting, even my stupid pride&prejudice dvd on my desk.. hahaha

there's so many exciting things coming up in the summer:
- jamie's yacht wedding (soooooo stoked to go to a summer yacht wedding!)
- six flags next week after finals
- downtown la shopping!! hehehe
- getting back to gym routine (ugh finally have the time after next tuesday)
- death cab concert (yayayayyyyyyyyy with la philharmonic too!! thanks for the info alex lol)
- colleen's new pup!! PUPPY SHOWER AND PLAYDATES! hahahaha lame-o's
- re-doing my room & cleaning out all the unused shit
- summer school (kind of excited to see who'll be in my chinese class... lol)
- summer nights!
- seeing ppl i hardly ever get to see during the year :)))
- beachhhh <3
- beachhhhhhh <3
- more beaccchhhhhh <3
- DISNEYLAND forreals
- papa bear's coming back miss him muchooo
- road trips to san frannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
- CANADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (very possibly!!!!!!! :DDDD my smile can't get any bigger!!!!! its been freakin 5 years since i've been back goddamn!)

probably more to come but can't think of any right now cause i really gotta focus on studying now lol but definitely so stoked for everything!!! hope everyone's finals went well or is going well :) STUDY HARD KIDS

don't say, just do.

i really need to get my shit together. i really need to stop telling people that i should get my shit together and actually get my shit together. i feel like everything's out of place and i'm trying to run around frantically to pick up the pieces. fuckdammit what was i thinking taking 18 units and working almost full time?! dumbest move ever.

untitled

sweetie, stop kidding yourself and get with reality.

insomnia and swollen eyes

i woke up in the middle of the night to find my eye completely swollen and red, like i'd been crying in my sleep. the weird thing of course is, i don't have any recollection of crying at all or even having a dream that would make me sad. so now i'm awake at 4 in the morning when i have a 7 am class to go to. fuck my life.

still have a lot of thoughts on my mind- which is probably why i can't sleep right now. i realized i'm a complete sucker for guys who write well. i don't know why but there's something so endearing about writing. i think for the most part its cause they're expressing their honest feelings and putting it into coherent words and cohesive sentences other than "um, like, dude, fuckin shit, douche."

goddamn i'm a fuckin nerd. 8]

what the fuck do i do now...

this wave of anxiety hit me half an hour ago. i'm really starting to freak out about transferring. no matter what, i still think that not going to irvine was the biggest mistake i made. right now, even though i'm close to fulfilling my igetc, i have absolutely NO CLUE as to what i want to major in. i want to do something i LOVE but what do i love? i'm so indecisive and it's killing me; if i don't make up my mind soon, i won't be able to fulfill my major course requirements by next year...

so what the fuck am i supposed to do now???

distractions

i'm trying to write my goddamn socio paper and and study for my midterm but i'm so fuckin distracted right now. i feel like i have a random medley of thoughts that i can't express all at once cause i can't organize them together... but here goes:

people are so surprising sometimes. the ones who appear as slackers are really the most intelligent and amazing people i've ever met; the ones who act like they know everything and they're the shit are actually insecure about themselves in every possible way.

anyways, so much shit has happened in the last three weeks or so- both ups and downs, like always. i'm disappointed in certain people and certain situations that i put myself in but it's just another test for me. i definitely need to focus on whatever i have to get done and stop wasting my time on pointless and superficial things..

i was reading some of my friends' blogs and its funny cause the problems that i think only i have or the emotions that i think only i feel, everybody else has them too. for example, friend troubles have been crazy for me lately and i thought only i'm becoming this emo-drama girl but this tight knit group of friends i know are having their shit going down too. from the outside, we all appear like nothing's the matter and everything's peachy keen but everyone is just as frustrated as i am and at the same things too. in the end, we're all in the same situations but with different people surrounding us.

i just gotta keep my head up and know that this will all pass soon. those who i love and who love me will stick with me. as long as i know i'm doing as much as i can do, i'm good :]

four twenty

past few weeks have been so hectic, with midterms last week and everything's thats been going on. i feel like with everything that happened last week (and im not talking about just midterms), a huge weight's been lifted off of my shoulders. for once, everything really seems to be falling into place. of course, with every good thing there's always something bad to balance it out. but i'm sure i'll work through it soon. anyways spring break's finally here! it's so much later than everybody else's but that's cool as long as i get to play! hahaha started off the spring break RIGHT on friday night. i still have to work throughout the week but that's fine since im a night person anyways. after friday, rested on saturday haha. today in the morning colleen and i went hiking up in eaton canyon again and went up to the waterfall and had a loverly lunch/rest break and then hiked back down. it was such a nice day i couldn't waste it sitting at home or staying indoors. after we came back, i took the best shower of my LIFE and then watched the rest of the lakers game and chilled. fuck. today was definitely the best day of spring break so far. im so excited for this upcoming week though. tomorrow's 4/20! it's like pcc to make their spring break during 4/20 LOLOL. well we'll see what happens tomorrow and this upcoming week; just go with the flowwwwwwwww :)

spring break... for other ppl

so this week's mostly everyone's spring break, at least everyone at uc's. stupid pcc doesn't get out until middle of april-- gay much? hanging out with people that i don't see on a regular basis this week made me remember how much i love them and missed them. these past months have been hectic but in a good way. i think i've been going out way too much and not spending enough time with my family but on the other hand every time i go out i always have so much fun and i definitely don't regret any of them, even if i can't remember three quarters of them ;) hahaha. i think being out so much and then coming home and spending a couple days at home makes me treasure alone time so much more. when i'm at home recovering from a crazy week/weekend, i don't want to do anything else but curl up with my babies, drink crazy good chicken soup my momma makes, and catch up with my reading or my dramas. this semester feels so different from last semester. this may be bad but i actually don't mind being at pcc anymore. i used to hate everything about it and i wanted to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. sometimes, i still feel like that but for the most part, i am definitely a lot happier than before :) anyways i still got a shitload to study for unlike you lucky asses who are out partying everyday this week :(( this is where my uber nerd emerges hahaha 8]
peace out girlscouts

grow the fuck up

it's been a year. you need to GET THE FUCK OVER IT. i got over it, really quickly too. you know why? cause i realized you are the shittest person i've ever known. you're arrogant when you have nothing to offer, you think you're better than everybody else when realistically, everybody else is better than you. i'm not gonna lie, what i did was pretty fucked up but karma got me. what's different about my situation is that i know how to forgive and put it in the past.. everybody's moved on except you. we're all in college now so GROW THE FUCK UP. no one wants to hear your shit so shut your fucking mouth and stop making yourself look even more like a jackass. i'm embarassed for you.

crazy shitttt

california is the weirdest placee.... so unpredictable. for two or three weeks, it's beautiful weather in the winter and now it's hailing/lightning/thundering like crazy. it even affects my life too, oddly enough; i spent the last weekend in vegas staying in this bad ass suite and now this weekend i crammed for winter session. nothing stays consistently good i guess, there's always something to fuck it up sometime but i just gotta stick with it and hope for the good again. :] i shaved my dog's fur off this past thursday night. i just couldn't stand her gross ass dirty self anymore so i took clippers and shaved her fur off. now shes my little lion cub! i haven't been able to sleep right either.. my sleeping schedule's all messed up so i've been able to think about a lot of things lately. hopefully all this thinking will give me the reality check and clarity that i desperately need. anyways, that was my break from studying. here's some pics 8]

emotions

fuck i forgot how much i love chinese songs.. lol so fobby of me but there are so many words in chinese that don't exactly translate to english... if you listen to the songs (if you can understand them) there are soo many feelings that they convey that you just don't feel through english songs. it's weird... the two really don't compare.. whenever i'm feeling anything, whether it's heartbroken, sad, content, ecstatic, confused, etc., my chinese songs all fit my mood. they're like my very own mood rings

inspiration.

we're finally at that age where we can fully comprehend the magnanimity of a presidential inauguration. sadly, the earliest president i remember having some kind of effect on me was president clinton (shows you how ignorant i was). i watched president obama's inaugural address and it was the first time that i was really moved by a person i don't even know. i was moved by the amount of people that supports him; it was like you could feel each person's hope for a better future through the screen. every word in obama's address was completely inspirational and powerful. i just hope he doesn't become one of those politicians that fall much too short on their promises. barack the future.

a glimpse

blogs have so many facets. they can either be depressing, stupidly silly, or enlightening. those are my favorite kind of blogs- the enlightening ones, the ones that make me re-think about everything in my life and sometimes question my decisions. one person's opinion on something can affect so many other people, kind of like a domino effect. but no matter what, blogs are windows into that person's thoughts. granted, sometimes those thoughts might be disturbing but they're glimpses into that person's mind nonetheless. i guess this is the small window into my thoughts.