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sweetie, stop kidding yourself and get with reality.

insomnia and swollen eyes

i woke up in the middle of the night to find my eye completely swollen and red, like i'd been crying in my sleep. the weird thing of course is, i don't have any recollection of crying at all or even having a dream that would make me sad. so now i'm awake at 4 in the morning when i have a 7 am class to go to. fuck my life.

still have a lot of thoughts on my mind- which is probably why i can't sleep right now. i realized i'm a complete sucker for guys who write well. i don't know why but there's something so endearing about writing. i think for the most part its cause they're expressing their honest feelings and putting it into coherent words and cohesive sentences other than "um, like, dude, fuckin shit, douche."

goddamn i'm a fuckin nerd. 8]

what the fuck do i do now...

this wave of anxiety hit me half an hour ago. i'm really starting to freak out about transferring. no matter what, i still think that not going to irvine was the biggest mistake i made. right now, even though i'm close to fulfilling my igetc, i have absolutely NO CLUE as to what i want to major in. i want to do something i LOVE but what do i love? i'm so indecisive and it's killing me; if i don't make up my mind soon, i won't be able to fulfill my major course requirements by next year...

so what the fuck am i supposed to do now???

distractions

i'm trying to write my goddamn socio paper and and study for my midterm but i'm so fuckin distracted right now. i feel like i have a random medley of thoughts that i can't express all at once cause i can't organize them together... but here goes:

people are so surprising sometimes. the ones who appear as slackers are really the most intelligent and amazing people i've ever met; the ones who act like they know everything and they're the shit are actually insecure about themselves in every possible way.

anyways, so much shit has happened in the last three weeks or so- both ups and downs, like always. i'm disappointed in certain people and certain situations that i put myself in but it's just another test for me. i definitely need to focus on whatever i have to get done and stop wasting my time on pointless and superficial things..

i was reading some of my friends' blogs and its funny cause the problems that i think only i have or the emotions that i think only i feel, everybody else has them too. for example, friend troubles have been crazy for me lately and i thought only i'm becoming this emo-drama girl but this tight knit group of friends i know are having their shit going down too. from the outside, we all appear like nothing's the matter and everything's peachy keen but everyone is just as frustrated as i am and at the same things too. in the end, we're all in the same situations but with different people surrounding us.

i just gotta keep my head up and know that this will all pass soon. those who i love and who love me will stick with me. as long as i know i'm doing as much as i can do, i'm good :]